Friday, April 16

ELECTION SPECIAL: Those leader speeches condensed

For those that missed the televised UK election debate yesterday, here’s the condensed version – there wasn’t a lot of difference between the three parties:

“Real fair choice for all. Forward not back. A classroom in every school. The right for failing schools to be taken over by successful police forces. And failing police forces to be taken over by successful schools. And accountability. If the police force fails to reform the under-performing school, real power for parents to take over and run their own school. Like Toby whats-his-face. Above all, every school to be a good school, and equal, whether a New Look retail academy school, a faith school or a bog-standard shithole. And a freshly painted giraffe on every roundabout.

British jobs for British workers. And some carefully managed, locally-targeted immigration. Like foxy Spanish lawyers. Wa-hey! The right for voters to sack their MPs and take it in turns to be an MP for a day. We can be heroes – just for one day. Real choice for local accountability. Real change that works for you. Real you that works for loose change. Longer prison sentences for those who deserve it. But prisons that are centres of rehabilitation excellence, not ‘schools’ for crime. Failing prisons to be taken over and modernised by Joanna Lumley and Esther Ranzten [check this]. A guaranteed no. 1 hit single for every prisoner to raise self-esteem, and a ring-fenced HMV voucher for every 18-year-old, to buy that no. 1 hit single.

And finally, let’s make dreams come true for people like the black, disabled teenage pensioner I met in Hull yesterday*. Let’s go forward with this together.”

*Edit, 19 April: since I wrote this, as you probably are aware, a random "David Cameron met" generator has been created.